Walking a Fine Line: What to Say and Do When Someone Has Cancer

SPRINGFIELD — An estimated 1,658,370 people will have learned that they have cancer before the end of this year.

For those on the receiving end of the very personal news from a friend or loved one that they have been diagnosed with cancer, it can be difficult to know what to say and do in response. You may feel shocked, sad, and even a little guilty that you are the healthy one. All are normal feelings.

There is no script, no right or wrong (but there are things you should never say), because each person is different in how they deal with their cancer. Sometimes a simple “sorry” is the safest response, and sometimes it is best to just listen. But, is silence always golden?

Marlene Quinlan, an oncology social worker in the Baystate Regional Cancer Program, says some of her patients tell her that they have been surprised and sometimes upset by what people say to them. She added that people aren’t expected to have the right words in this situation.

“One good rule is to avoid telling stories about other people you knew with cancer and focus instead on your friend who is with you. It is OK to feel nervous about what to say. Let your friend know that you are unsure of what to say, and that you don’t want to say the wrong thing, and then let them know that you care about them and want to help in any way they would like,” she said.

Individuals should take their cues from the person with cancer and be a supportive presence. He or she may or may not want to talk about their cancer on any given day. So, ask them. After all, they are first and foremost a friend or loved one, and it is perfectly fine for conversations to resemble the ones you had prior to the cancer diagnosis. If they do want to talk about their cancer, let them lead the conversation while you listen and offer support and concern. “Just listening is being supportive,” said Quinlan.

Offer assistance with practical daily life tasks. If you are in a position to offer help with daily routines, do so, but be sure to keep your promise to help. Provide a written list of things that you can help with, and follow up. “Some individuals will accept help, and others will not. Don’t take rejections for help personally,” said Quinlan.

She also suggests some things to never say or do, such as:

• Avoid comparison stories. They are not typically helpful. If you have experienced cancer yourself, sharing might be helpful, and it can be offered, but do not assume that your friend or loved one wants to hear about your experience now.

• Do not assume that you know how the person feels, and avoid saying, ‘I understand’ or ‘I know how you feel.’ This statement is well-intentioned, but not always well-received.

• Avoid giving advice. Remember that everyone’s cancer is different, and too many ideas can lead to more confusion. If they ask for your opinion, be open and honest, but do not answer questions that are beyond your knowledge.

In 1996, Congress enacted the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), a set of federal regulations governing the healthcare industry’s protection and privacy of a patient’s health information.

But, what if you don’t work in a healthcare setting and are not bound by HIPAA? Should you share with others what you’ve just learned about your friend, loved one, or co-worker having cancer? Should you actually ask them what they want you to do?

“It is always a good idea to determine if the information that you have been given about a loved one, friend, or co-worker is actually true and meant to be private. When information is shared with you, make sure that you check to see if the information can be shared and with whom,” said Quinlan.

Whether you are hearing from a loved one, friend, or co-worker about their cancer diagnosis, he or she is someone with whom you have a relationship. The cancer diagnosis does not change your relationship. The person with cancer is the same person you knew prior to the diagnosis. Communicate your concern and be attentive to the likely changes and needs, but stay consistent with your role in the relationship. Continue to offer your support throughout treatment and post-treatment, noted Quinlan.

It is not easy to see someone you care for deal with a cancer diagnosis, she added. “You have listened, you have offered your support, you have helped with the practical aspects of life, and you have pitched in at work to carry the load. Your efforts have been appreciated, and you have been a tremendous relative, friend or co-worker.”